'Yi Han' (遗憾)

‘Yi (2) Han (4)’ (遗憾) is a Chinese phrase that the English dictionary has no word of exact meaning to explain it. It means a feeling of regret mixed with a tinge of sorrow and a sense of pity of missed opportunity. Or something to that effect.

Yang’s mother was of the opinion that married couples who don’t wish to have kids will feel ‘yi han’ when they age and realize that it is too late to bear children. My mother would tell me now and then that it is a lonely thing to grow old without children. There are some other folks who see children as investment against helplessness in old age.

Why did I want to have children in the first place? Well, initially I saw it as a natural progression to complete the family. Then for a brief period, Yang was a little unsure about the idea of having children (no thanks to some students he encountered), I felt an emptiness welling up within me. I realized that I couldn’t just live for myself and be happy. If we were not to have children, I told Yang that I want to give more of myself to others in service. For otherwise I would feel like a selfish person living in my own comfort zone. Fortunately he got over his fears and that was when we both decided to have a baby.

When Hannah came along, I realized that I’m in for the long haul. She’s now our responsibility to raise in the love of the Lord. The initial months were ‘tah boleh tahan’ but thank God that help from relatives and friends made the rough patch tolerable. Our friend Elina has said it would get easier with time. :) I remember a godly man once shared with a congregation that being parents is a great learning and humbling experience. At the end of the day, I believe that we will be immeasurably blessed in return for the time spent with Hannah.