{"id":3111,"date":"2009-03-20T14:29:03","date_gmt":"2009-03-20T06:29:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chekyang.com\/musings\/2009\/03\/20\/visiting-the-usa-ang-mohs-pov\/"},"modified":"2009-03-20T14:29:03","modified_gmt":"2009-03-20T06:29:03","slug":"visiting-the-usa-ang-mohs-pov","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/2009\/03\/20\/visiting-the-usa-ang-mohs-pov\/","title":{"rendered":"Visiting the USA \u2013 Ang Moh\u2019s POV"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"blog-restricted\"<\/a> Whereas I\u2019m ecstatic you\u2019re visiting my country, buddy, I\u2019m finding your current preparations alarmingly inefficient.\u00a0 It really sucks I won\u2019t be around to show you the ins and outs of American lifestyle, but let’s go over some things you’ll need to acquire or keep in mind:<\/p>\n

#1:\u00a0 A gun permit.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Don’t think the US is like Singapore.\u00a0 Here there is no \u201cface\u201d, but there is respect, and to get it, you’ll need to pack heat. Don\u2019t worry about smuggling a pistol into the country; I\u2019m pretty sure on the West Coast handguns are sold for pocket-change in most street-side vending machines.<\/p>\n

Actually, forget the permit\u2014no one bothers with those anyway.\u00a0 Most Americans simply believe they\u2019re born with the right to bear arms and use them at will.\u00a0 Just be aware that everyone around you at any given moment\u2014yes, even that obnoxious 8-year-old who won\u2019t stop kicking the back of your chair\u2014is carrying a handgun of some kind, and is just waiting for an excuse to use it.<\/p>\n

#2: Perfect “flipping the bird” or \u201cgiving the finger.\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

In Singapore I can’t tell you how many times I witnessed pathetic and placid extensions of middle fingers (most often directed at taxi drivers and motorcyclists).\u00a0 Such meekness only confuses us.\u00a0 If you can\u2019t even make a red crayon blush, why bother?<\/p>\n

When in America, you must put your whole body into the upward thrust of the middle finger, during which you shout, “No, you mofo, f**k you<\/em>!”\u00a0 Don\u2019t be bashful.\u00a0 They will appreciate the fact you\u2019re shoving only an upright finger in their face rather than the hand-cannon you\u2019re no doubt carrying.<\/p>\n

#3: Bulletproof Vest.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

See #1.\u00a0 Duh.<\/p>\n

#4:\u00a0 Pedestrian caution.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t think just because you\u2019re walking on a sidewalk or street curb that you\u2019re not a target\u2014trust me, you are.\u00a0 You see, to American drivers who not only own the streets, but also the curbs, sidewalks, park trails, hotel lobbies, et cetera, there\u2019s no such things as pedestrians, just trespassers.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a question of if you\u2019ll be mowed over, it\u2019s a question of when and how long it will take the paramedics to arrive to scrape up your remains with a rusty spatula.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not all doom and gloom, though.\u00a0 Assuming you wish to get out of your hotel room to inhale the carbon-monoxide and take in the clouds of smog blanketing the cityscape, travel among fat people.\u00a0 As over two-thirds of Americans are morbidly obese, you often won\u2019t have a choice.\u00a0 Not only will you benefit from a boost in self-esteem, but you\u2019ll also find that most vehicles, even when traveling at full-speed, will ricochet of the fat people\u2019s \u201cbelly bumpers.\u201d\u00a0 So yes, safe walking routes in the US consist primarily of ducking into each and every donut shop along the way to your destination, but that\u2019s the price of security in this country.<\/p>\n

If you should ever get behind the wheel, try this pop quiz:<\/p>\n

When proceeding down the highway, you come to a traffic light which has just turned from yellow to red.\u00a0 What do you do?<\/em>
\na) Red means stop; apply the brake and come to a full stop.
\nb) Red means yield; apply the brake gently and proceed with caution.
\nc) Red is merely a suggestion; honk horn repeatedly and apply full weight to the accelerator.<\/p>\n

If you have to ask, the answer is C.\u00a0 If you’re afraid you can’t remember this little tidbit, reminders abound at every pedestrian crossing in the United States.<\/p>\n

#5:\u00a0 Bring a self-addressed & stamped body bag.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

You might be asking yourself why this is necessary since all this laid before you is an attempt to enjoy your time in America, not to mention save your life.\u00a0 Well, as our national slogan goes, “Shit happens.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Whereas I\u2019m ecstatic you\u2019re visiting my country, buddy, I\u2019m finding your current preparations alarmingly inefficient.\u00a0 It really sucks I won\u2019t be around to show you the ins and outs of American lifestyle, but let’s go over some things you’ll need<\/p>\n

Read More Visiting the USA \u2013 Ang Moh\u2019s POV<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[352],"class_list":["post-3111","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-traveling","tag-san-francisco-2009","wpcat-17-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3111","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3111"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3111\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3111"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3111"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chekyang.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3111"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}