Gleamings from ‘Positive Discipline for Preschoolers’ Book: Power Struggle

Yang got me this parenting book as a surprise birthday gift recently as I kept extending its borrowing period with the library. :)

The last time I shared something from this book was about a month ago. I touched on Hannah wanting undue attention from us. Besides demanding for our attention, she has also engaged in quite a bit of power struggle with us (more so with mommy). The book called such a display from toddlers ‘misguided power’.

The recent major outburst has been during her bedtime routine. The mere mention of “it’s time to bathe now” would set her on the whining motion. And then she would refuse to take off her clothes, want to take this take that with her to the bath tub, want to sit on the toilet seat repeatedly even after she has emptied her bladder, wail while I tried to shower her, transition to the hysterical mode while I put clean clothes on her and continue throughout until we put her to bed. I remember the first few nights we had time-outs for her, i.e. let her ventilate on her own. I tell you, our girl is a natural loud hailer. And one with a great stamina at that too. We felt sorry for the neighbours who have to put up with her loud tantrums. Whatever good advice and tips I have read from the book were all thrown out of the window when I came face-to-face with this tiny but formidable giant. She wanted her way and I insisted on mine. Neither would give an inch.

Yang often stepped in to act as our peace-maker. That was when I began to see the value of two parents instead of one. Some of his strategies include reinforcing my expectations with Hannah in a softer tone, giving Hannah the option of having daddy to bathe her, holding her hand to walk around the house to calm her down and very occasionally using her favourite iPad as a carrot to coax her into cooperation. I took the opportunity to calm down too while Yang dealt with Hannah.

Still, we have to drive home the message to our girl that mommy and daddy have rules at home and she would do well by obeying them. For instance, she has been wanting to read almost all her books during the bedtime routine and I started to set a rule that she could only read one book. I allowed her the option of choosing which book she wanted me to read to her. Whenever she tested the boundary, I would remind her of the rule calmly and walk out of her room if she disobeyed. So far I have walked out a couple of times and it took her about 5-10 minutes to come looking for me to reconcile by holding my hand or asking to be carried. She would go “mommy mommy” in her sweet child-like voice or give a sad, teary gaze that made me feel sorry to have treated her with much sternness.

A friend who was on her way to being a mother once asked me about the joys of parenthood and I found it hard to put into words. I mean there are strong indications out there in public (e.g. handling wailing kids) that speak against any joy of being a parent. But there is joy nonetheless. It is in her snuggie little hug, in her happy face when she looks up at you, in her peaceful sleep, in the way she goes “yayyyyy” when she runs gleefully, in her amazing trusting nature, in her effort to sing and dance and imitate funny sounds after you…you feel hopeful around her in this broken world…and she makes you desire to be a better person. Or at least that is how I feel around our daughter.

Oops, I have digressed! Okay back to the book. The authors advised the following responses when the tot gives you the “you’re not the boss of me” attitude:

• offer limited choices
• turn misguided power to useful power by asking for help
• shut up and act with kindness and firmness (it’s true, silence speaks louder than words in times like this, and kindness touches the heart)
• make a date for problem-solving (applicable from 3 years onwards)
• distraction (works big time especially for tots below 3 years)

Thank God that we are gradually gaining the upper hand of the situation at the moment. I’m beginning to see a certain pattern and suspect certain trigger points for her tantrums. May God grant us much wisdom and will-power to be better parents.